A plague of houses

The other evening we were out on the verandah, enjoying the glorious sky and the view of the Berserkers. The Berserkers, you understand, are the range of mountains that form the eastern boundary of Rockhampton.

Mature eucalypt forest cloaks the Berserkers. They dominate the view from anywhere in Rockhampton; a serene mountain backdrop that lends a sense of openness and freedom.

Well, anyway, they were cloaked with eucalypt forest, and they used to make you feel you weren't just a superior kind of termite in a concrete nest. Now a tide of houses creeps inexorably up their flanks. Another few years and they will go the way of the good fishing spots and places where you could shoot a few rabbits.

Even my mate Tony, who is into trucks and waste oil, looks resentfully at all the new lights on the mountains and mutters that Australia is going to shit. Kind of got us thinking it has.

Out here at the edge of the world we're pretty good at this thinking business. Given a summer Sunday afternoon, a few friends, a shady tree and an Esky of coldies we can knock over most of the world's problems before it's time to go in for the evening news.

Maybe we're far enough away to see the forest for the trees, kind of like the rest of the world was the Berserkers: from here we can see the big picture. That, and of course our native intelligence.

We can prove it too, at least the "far away" bit. Just try and find Rockhampton, Queensland, Australia in your atlas.

Hint, open to the map of the world and find South America and then Africa. Now imagine a line between the southern part of both going across the Pacific and Indian oceans, nearer Antarctica than anywhere else. Pretty well in the middle is Australia.

First thing you will notice is that it is mostly surrounded by some really, really big oceans. So big that you sort of wonder how they leave any room for all that other stuff, you know, Los Angeles, and Disney Land, and even Moscow.

Next thing you will notice is that it is mostly yellow (or brownish on some maps) with a little fringe of green in places. Sort of like the whole place was a desert with a few trees and some seriously excellent beaches around the edge. It is.

Of course, every shonky real estate agent and con-man (in other words, most of what passes here for politicians and business men) swears that all that yellow is a filthy lie. The whole vast inland is lush, green and empty, just waiting for a quarter of a billion lucky buyers from some overcrowded and rich land.

Oh! And by chance they happen to be the agent. Just sign on the dotted line and send the cheque to their Swiss bank account.

Actually they have a point, well... at least about the yellow bit. I saw this film they made from a space shuttle once, and there was hardly any yellow. First there was blue ocean, then this little flash of dull green, then red.

The gently undulating red desert went on for a long time, then it went on for some more. At orbital velocity. Finally, about the time I was beginning to wonder if I had the TV program wrong and was watching a Mars orbiter, there was another little flash of green, then ocean again.

Now you have found where it is, turn to the page with the big map of Australia, if there is one. If your atlas is very good you should find Rockhampton a bit more than half way up the east (right hand) coast. Imagine actually living in a place it took that much trouble just to find.

Mind you, not all Australians are hicks and rednecks, only the best of us.

Most Australians live in a few huge coastal cities, mostly in the southeast. This is not really surprising as there isn't really anything for them to do outside the cities. Fact is, there isn't much for them to do in the cities either, so they occupy themselves interfering with the country folk who do most of the real, productive work.

Those very few who understand basic economics will be wondering where all those nonproductive people get their money, not to mention food, VCRs and imported cars. Incidentally, basic economics means knowing that if you earn $300 a week you can't spend $950. Advanced economics means knowing that you can, but only if you're the first to rat the till.

Most people can grasp basic economics easily enough; they just resist doing so with all their might. They especially resist understanding that this applies to companies and nations as well as individuals.

Back in the eighties, a few even understood advanced economics, which is one of the reasons why the nation's till is empty. The local politicians are still half-heartedly pretending they are trying to extradite their old mates, and the hundreds of millions of dollars they made off with, from odd parts of the world.

Anyway, where our standard of living comes from is no great mystery; the whole eighteen million of us try to eat off a few good mines and a lot of dry and failing agricultural land. The considerable shortfall is made up by borrowing from people overseas and selling off bits of the farm.

Trouble is; there is not much left to sell. Worse, all those folk from whom we've borrowed are starting to ask how we are going to pay them back.

Oh! I nearly forgot; there is also tourism. Back in the seventies when we gave up even trying to do manufacturing, tourism was supposed to be the great white (or black, if you want to be P.C.) hope. It was to provide all those jobs for the burgeoning population.

The jobs were there all right, it is just that they mostly consist of making beds, cleaning toilets, and providing sexual services for pay as dreadful as the hours. No one wants them.

So it gets harder and harder to even look like you're doing anything useful. Looking like you're doing something when you aren't, let alone actually being paid for it, is an acquired skill, so naturally young people are doing it very tough.

Things are not made any better by the way we are letting enough extra people into the country each year to fill a couple of small cities. Not that they do; they all stay in the capital cities.

This started for a lot of reasons, but it mostly continued because the political party then in power discovered that the new arrivals tended to vote for it. As soon as this was established it became racist, right-wing, evil, and probably even religious fundamentalist to criticize high immigration.

Now there are enough of them to make a big block that votes solidly for the right to bring grandma out and put her on the Australian pension. Not that I blame them, if I had a grandmother in some hell-hole with no welfare system and no decent hospitals I'd try to do the same.

Incidentally, in one way we have been very lucky with the latest crop of immigrants, on the whole they will make excellent citizens. It is just that there are far too many of them.

In fact, there are too many of us all for this ancient, dry, skeleton of a land.

What all this adds up to is those houses creeping up the Berserkers, and no good fishing, and nowhere a bloke can pick up a feed of ducks or rabbits. Also, the kids having a choice of staying in university forever or being unemployed, unless of course they are very good, very fast, good looking, and put out for the right people.

Sort of makes you think.


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Any reproduction without the prior permission of the author is forbidden.
Copyright 1997 Stephen Heyer